Episode 3: A Cloudy Day

9:22pm - My apartment

So clearly I'm in my new apartment (I couldn't stay with FFiend anymore...just too cramped and I seriously felt like I was imposing myself), got here on Tuesday after the ridiculous amount of money I gave to my land lord (who, btw, is selling the place so I don't know where that leaves me). While it's tres sexy, I have no furniture.

I'd set off to buy a mattress on Tuesday. I spent a good $900 on that thing. It's still not here.
Disgusting.

I guess I can be honest here and say that I think the guy who sold me my mattress may just have a thing for me. I don't know. I had a pseudo-lunch with him. Doesn't he know that he could be my father? (Albeit, he'd have to be a rather psychologically twisted promiscuous 11 year old to have done so)

I told M about it. But I still feel super weird about the whole thing.

I talked to Gigantron about it and he thinks that, it's cool. I could get cheap furniture out of it so why not.

But isn't that a bit like using the guy???

He'd make a nice friend. But I don't think he's looking for friendship. Or maybe he is. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong.

Anyway.

I slept 2 nights without a mattress. The first night was horrible though.
The first night I had to sleep on the floor with toilet paper I bought from Shopper's as my pillow.

It wasn't fun.

The second night I managed to get pillows from Winners (and it was sort of ridiculous, they were selling these Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein pillows...what are they made of? Underpants???) and my stuff from storage came in so I had a blanket and I slept on my duvet. Better than the rough (but inexplicably awesome to look at and to walk on but not to sleep/sit on) Carpet.

And tonight I predict another night of The Floor.
*sigh*

So...M was supposed to go to this car show which turned out to be a bloody party in a bloody club. Ok so he told me about it. After he gets home at like 5am (his time). But we made this agreement: We'd tell each other before we go to some hot club/party scene and possibly get hit on by people.

And his way of consoling my hurt feelings at his not-telling-me-AGAIN-about-some-party-or-whatever-he's-gone-to?
"It sucked anyway"

Oh so if it SUCKS then he's suffered enough right, I shouldn't be mad, right?
ha.

This long distance stuff sucks. To be honest though, he'd do this sort of thing to me when I'm in the same city as him. So I shouldn't be surprised or whatever.

So let me make it clear, first, that M is probably the sweetest guy I know. He would never cheat/lie/do bad stuff on purpose on/to me. But this sort of thing slips his mind all the time. Even though I tell him about it all the time.

So I sort of just gave up today.

Which is what I almost always do. I just tell him "Fine, we can void that agreement we made to not inform each other about everything we do and you go ahead and do whatever you want." And believe me, I actually mean it. Cause if you lower your expectations, and shit happens, you don't get disappointed. You were expecting it. But noooo he doesn't like that thought.

But this time, I just didn't say anything. I didn't say "I give up" or whatever. I just stayed quiet.

I feel so horrible and tired and fed up. It's like...if he wants to do his thing let him, right? It's not like he's doing anything wrong.

...but...it doesn't stop it from being hurtful. And there it is. In a nut shell.
I'm not mad. I'm just hurt and disappointed. Anyway. I dunno.

How would he react if I just did something like that without telling him? I am so tempted, you don't even understand.

But I couldn't do that. I can't. It's wrong and...I love him.

So does this mean he doesn't love me?

...no...
*sigh*

This just means he's a guy.

God.
Sometimes I feel I should just be a lesbian. Furreal.